Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.