FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You Might Also Like
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host