Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
What my back needs
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon