Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.