*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My blood type is b hungry.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Ken is short for chicken
describing stardew valley
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.