Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Never forget.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God