Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!