Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I waitress because if I donât get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I donât feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriendâs picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
God: Howâs it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, âis it bad i came alone?â i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: âiâm actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!â
me: iâm going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge đ
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as âThe Adventures of Crime Dadâ and now you will too.
Youâre welcome.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
âWhat kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?â
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? đŹ
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, itâs either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
See?! THIS is why we donât invite Elsa to the lake house in the summerâŚ.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.