Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!