My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.