google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it