This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.