Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
You Might Also Like
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My neck, my back, my…
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
New tinder profile pic
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.