My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
accurate
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”