Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son