Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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pizza
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water