why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there