You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Y’all ready for this
2022 be like
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
WWE is French for “yes”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”