Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me too door. Me too.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.