I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Steam Forums
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming