Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”