Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
he looks great for his age
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
the world’s most popular steaming services
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.