My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Always
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.