i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
📽️movie date🎞️
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*