Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.