Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
That’s it.I’m out.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.