I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.