[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’m putting together a team
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.