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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.