Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
#SaturdayBears
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.