If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️