Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Got ya covered
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Camping tip: No.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan