FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
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Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.