The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Don’t touch that.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.