My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
getting old is fun
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out