I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
This took me a second..
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”