“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.