FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
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Interior design 👌
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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