Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
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the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up