My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*