Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
You Might Also Like
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
japanese corn
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.