Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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So I killed her.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.