marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Yup
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.