*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*frowns in Scottish*
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Oh no
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.