guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You Might Also Like
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.