Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.