Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.