Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…