I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”