I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Raisins are grape jerky.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”